I deserve this glas of red wine

I had a deadline on Tuesday.
On Monday, after buying my white shirt to end all shirts, I sat down (in my new shirt) and decided not to stand up until I had written the most amazing report ever produced. That was at 9pm, and I didn't stand up again until 10am Tuesday morning. And with this, I officially reached the point where I established the platform for my v3 life. It was marked by the very deliverable I spent Tuesday night writing.

I had barely enough energy to go and buy two more shirts (nice shirts, but not as nice as the one I bought on Monday). I came back at lunch, fell asleep at 2pm and slept right through until 7.30am Wednesday. That's today. And I worked so nice today, i worked and worked and worked and didn't get back home until 9pm.

And you know what. The glass of red whine I am having right now is the best tasting red wine EVER had. There's something about deserving pleasure that makes it quite special.

P.S. Did I mention that I'm sitting in my favourite SF bar? I like working in cafes and bars. It makes me feel glamorous.
The reason I'm adding this P.S. is that the woman in front of me just told some man "I like you but I'm not in love with you. There is no future for us." I really like working in bars. Lot's of drama.

P.S.S. Oh... she was telling the man what some other man had told her. Less interesting. Move along, move along.

Mad japanese man inside my computer

There's a crazy japanese dude that comes out and tries to take my cursor all the time.
He lives here.

He really wants that cursor.

Superbowl, the ultimate experience

I watched the Superbowl today. The Superbowl is the finale of the biggest American Football cup and this year it was between Indianapolis and Chicago. While the game was quite exciting once I figured out the basic rules, what really captured me was the all-out craze surrounding the game. I think this is one of the most watched events on TV, so the commercial breaks are the most expensive you can get. To get the maximum bang for the buck, the advertisers try to out-do each other with cleverness and funnyness, and the whole showbiz side of the game is an important part of pop culture. I thought Coke had some excellent, funny ads, with one that poked fun at the excellent Grand Theft Auto games. I kind of wished there was a computer game based on the premise they showed in the ad, even if it was just a joke. Check 'em out:
The "cocal cola computer game" ad, and the "how they make coca cola" ad.

While watching all this and enjoying some of the excitement around all this, I experienced something of a revelation about branding, about the power of media properties, about the post-modern mind. I can't put my finger on it, but now that the game is over and I've relaxed a little, it puts some of what is going on in Asia right now into perspective. Here in the West, we are chasing the ultimate, perfect experience. In the East, they are pulling hundreds of millions of people out of poverty, re-building civilizations after hundreds of years of oppression, and winning against death, starvation and catastrophe.

Umm... it's tempting to think one is better or more useful than the other. More wise to accept both are on the same axis of the same story (upwards). Even more wise to accept that I don't fully understand the significance of all this and just keep on experiencing. Good idea to come here to the US, it's already starting to mess with my head.

P.S. I'm going to go downstairs and buy a coke.
P.S.S. I just bought a bottle. Unfortunately they didn't have the glass bottle, only the plastic one. Damn, I just can't relate to plastic in the same way, it has gotta be glass :0(

Banana phone #2

And now for the shocking follow-up to Banana Phone!
Can you handle it?

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/bananaphone.html

Ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone!

Banana phone

Nothing better than starting your work day at 3am. I lurve it! A hot cup of coffee, a McDonalds spicy chicken burger meal, then wake up those brain cells with some Daily Show and Colbert Report on comedychannel.com.

And, as always, I'm celebrating my allnighter with a excellent flash post. Check out the following:
http://www.allmedia.com.au/bananana/

I've kept it running in the background now for about 40 minutes connected to my super speakers. I can already notice how I'm growing more clever, handsome and successful. You should too.

Beat the best, beat the rest!

UPDATE 9 December 2006: Did you like the badgers in the flash? Then check out the original:
http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com

UPDATE 10 December 2006: Ah, I just located the original bananaphone flash!
http://www.transbuddha.com/osaka/osakaphone.html

Isn't it amazing how these things connect, across time and space. Projected onto you mind through the lens of the Dundee Expat!!!

I'm #1

Oh man, today is a great day in the life of the Dundee Expat... I am now #1 on google for this particular term. Even without the quotation marks... I am the online embodiment of the very concept of being an expat from Dundee.

Bow before my glory!

Dicewars

Not much is going my way right now. I had it all planned out- marry the love of my life, move to Texas and get house and kids. And a driving license. Alas, I just pitched the idea of starting a family in Texas to my sweetheart and... she told me go screw myself. Maybe I should have expected that considering we haven't been on speaking terms for more than a year. Shouting-bad-names-at-each-other terms, yes. But speaking terms, no.

To add insult to injury, the entire spy ring in Texas was just eliminated in an internal purge (along with a significant number of our Californian operatives). You understand now why I hate plans? It's like lighting a cigarette while waiting for the bus. Bah!

So, your proposal has just been turned down by the woman you love. What's a self respecting man to do? Well, there's always hard liquour, loose women and gambling. Yes there is, but that's not my style. I decided to deal with this emotional setback by spending about 10 hours playing Dicewars, the most excellent flash game ever!

So what is Dicewars? It's a Risk like game where you battle over a colorful map using dice. As you gain a larger share of the map, you receive more army enforcements. But in contrast to Risk, you don't move your "armies" and enforcements are placed randomly. While frustrating at first, this actually makes the whole game super fast and intuitive. Take if from me, you can play this game for hours without engaging any of your higher conceptual faculties. It's just pure tactical gameplay.

I highly recommend this game. Having wasted an entire night on this game I've figured out a couple of strategy items that you might find helpful if you end up all alone and un-loved:

• You gain enforcements according to the number of joined territories. At the beginning of the game, you are therefore trying to connect the scattered territories you were given at the outset. Since the computer opponents will also be trying to achieve joined territories, you can often predict their next move.
• The computer is very aggressive as long as there is no clear leader and will often attack attack attack without leaving any defence. The way the dice rolls works, the defender is slightly at an advantage. This means playing it reasonably conservative in the beginnning will put luck on your side. Try to never attack further into enemy territory than you can defend over the next turn.
• The computer opponents will switch from aggressive to defensive once one player has a significant advantage and will stop attacking each other and only attack the leader. This means that beyond a certain point, you can't rely on the computer opponents taking each other out.
• In the later stages of the game, all players will tend to be maxed out in the number of armies they have on each territory. trying to plow through an opponent by luck only is very slow, especially since the attacker is at a slight disadvantage. The trick is to leave yourself vulnerable at the front so that the opponent charges into your territory, spreading himself thin.

Happy playing.

The coolest dude on earth

I have a playlist on my (new, amazing, sexy) iPod that I call "cool". I didn't choose that name because I felt this was cool music, in a stylish sense. The name is not intended to make me feel cool, nor do I believe it is a selection of music that IS cool- I'm not a music critic. Rather, it’s just songs that have made me exclaim: “cool!” at some point.

However, through some strange coincidence, there are some songs on there now that really are cool. They are not songs of meaning, mediation and tranquillity (they go into my playlist called “Dundee”). They are songs that are simply really, really cool. In an objective sense. Who would have thought?

When I plug these songs into my ears and walk down the streets of Hong Kong, I really am the coolest guy on earth. It doesn’t matter how tattered my clothes are or how my career in espionage may have been limited by an episode of tonsillitis. It doesn’t matter that I’m here and not there. All that matters is the swing in my head. I'm the coolest dude on Earth.

I am not very observant, I have neither an eye for detail nor a head for the big picture. Considering my job I’m almost cripplingly deficient in this regard. However, I made on observation two years ago that was so accurate yet possibly so profound that I’m considering patenting it.

Hong Kong beats to a soundtrack of swing. Not many people agree when they first hear this. They suggest RnB, house or even the sound of money (how trite!). These sounds may characterize specific experiences in this multi-faced city, of course. However, only swing captures the feeling of taking a taxi through a hilly jungle packed with chinese skyrises.

Big band swing.

An ode to Stanley

Stanley, are you a man or a concept?

A good friend of mine, an ex-spy who's moved on to a high-level Propaganda ministry job introduced me to Stanley about a year ago. Stanley manages a serviced appartment business, but with a twist. Rather than targeting rich expats, he supplies models, spies and other low-budget/low-profile travellers with highly affordable studios/rooms in prime locations. But possibly the greatest thing about him is that he is increadibly flexible (maybe because I've never negotiated the rent) and doesn't require a deposit. And he never asks me any questions about my changing appearance and multiple passports.

In fact, Stanley has helped me out so many times here in Hong Kong, that he has become a concept to me very much like Google is now synonymous with internet search. I've actually never met Stanley. When I call him, he always asks me to let him call me back in 5 minutes, but when I get the call (never have to wait longer than 5 minutes), it's not him, it's usually a woman (nowadays called Liz) who will help me arrange a few viewings. Once I thought I would actually meet the man, as we talked on the phone for a while and he offered to show me an appartment right now. But the man who showed up was some Mario guy.
I've always suspected there IS no Stanley. I've got this idea (enhanced during this weekends fever) that Stanely is a loosely connected organization of flatowners from the Philipines. Kind of like a rental agents version of Al Quada...

So strong is the concept of Stanley, that in my Operational Support Files I've classified all my rental contacts in Asia as instances of Stanley. Stanley Beijing - Cin, Stanley Chiangmai - Viangbua Mansions etc. It's my goal to ultimately have a Stanley in every port.

So, Stanley, hat's of to you! You are a red thread through my existence, up there with 7/11 and Western Union! Without you, I would actually need to sort myself out!

P.S. There's something wrong with the image uploading at the moment so I'm not able to post any pictures. As soon as this has been fixed I'll show you the splendid little hole Stanley has sorted out for me this time. I called him on saturday and two hours later I had a new home!

Trying to avoid doing any real work in Hong Kong

Back in Hong Kong, time to face reality. The volume of work I need to get through over the next three weeks is insane. So insane it is crippling me... I tell myself over and over "the good guys always win, the good guys always win". I tell my self this and then I try to think of ways to distract myself. Today this blog will fulfill that purpose.

Let the distractions begin:

Taipei's verdict. Having spent four weeks in Taipei, i returned to Hong Kong to find an email making the following verdict of my persona:



Frequent flyer. You might think someone who spent less time away from "home" than anywhere else would be a savvy frequent flyer. Not so! I've only recently figured out this whole loyalty scheme thing with the airlines. Today I received my Green marco polo club card. It's a newbie card with almost no benefits, but i don't care. It's mine and I love it.

Iceland (2). I arrived to Hong Kong to find many strange packages, letters and demands on my office desk. I really need to sort out my life... Among threatening requests for address updates (who would have thought such a question would be so difficult to answer?) was something really moving. My uncle has sent me a book my Icelanic nobel prize author Halldor Laxness, "Independent People". I like to imagine that my uncle considers me independent. Anyways, the introduction builds up expectations nicely: "there are good books and there are great books. And then there are the books of your life".

Labels. I've labelled every post in my blog, removed the chronological archive and given a topic-oriented way to browse previous posts. Interestingly, I seem more excited about writing about moving than where I am- the most used tag ended up being transition. It's cool to read it like that, it makes my life seem so busy somehow :-)

What to do during the weekend?

This is a question that has haunted the human race ever since we started tracking time. The most frightening aspect of this question is that even if you manage to solve the riddle one week, it’s back in force the next week. The weekend is a hole in the fabric of time, threating at any time to destroy our self-identity. For the identity of our self is intricately linked to the passage of time, and the links we are able to create between different times.

So... what to do?

Meaningless post

Bloody hell. Somebody is just being dumped in front of me. I’m in starbucks again, my second office, trying get my head around security technologies and there’s a woman bawling at the table in front of me. How am I supposed to not look? It’s only natural to sometimes look up from your screen and survey your environment. I’m trying not to. I’m staring really, really hard at my screen. Need to think of things to write.

No! Cannot think about what to write! If I do, I look up, with that thoughtful expression that makes look kinda handsome. I have to just keep writing, even if I write meaningless stuff. Nanna nah ni nanna!

Ok, so let’s write about the top super things in my life right now…

1) I’ve downgrade from my very good looking luxury brand computer bag to a rucksack. Carrying around heavy computers and accessories on my shoulder is giving me a bad back, so I’ve invested in a rucksack instead that’s distributes weight more evenly. But I couldn’t find a luxury rucksack. Maybe they don’t do luxury rucksacks? Anyways, now my back feels much better, cheers!

2) I’m working out of Starbucks! This is probably the most genius thing I’ve ever thought of. Ok, so you get bawling women and stuff like that, and it can be distracting when people start flirting with each other (nobody ever flirts with me though!). But, combining my addiction to caffeine with work has created a very powerful, primeval urge in my soul to just keep working. Work work work. Whenever I need an excuse to have a coffee, I think of some task I need to do. Worked straight through last weekend, didn’t take a break. And I’ve never drunk so much coffee.

3) Wow, I’m so healthy at the moment. It really, really pissed me off to get bronchitis when I arrived in Hong Kong, it ruined my momentum. So I’m happy being back at 100% and devising new plots to take over the world.

4) I managed to finally find a non-dubbed version of Bloodrayne. Whoho! Bloodrayne is the third major movie from Uwe Boll, and features a star-packed cast and a storyline about vampires. Uwe Boll is my hero, in the same way George Bush is my hero. It really makes me happy to see incompetent fools succeed. It’s inspiring. Give’s me hope

5) I’ve discovered the “thin white duke” rexmix of Royksopp’s “what else is there”. Fantabolous piece of work and much more true to the Norwegian bang’s roots than their original.

Ah, finally. She has stopped crying, and I can start looking up thoughtfully again. Back to work.

Obsessing about Uwe Boll in Chiang Mai

I’m back in Chiang Mai, after another narrow escape from Hong Kong. Risking my life like this is starting to take its toll on me, I can tell. I’m finding it difficult to take life seriously. So, I'm developing an obsession with German director named Uwe Boll. He seems widely recognized as the worst director of our times. He also somehow keeps shoring up new funding. This is unbelieveable, as every movie he makes not only flops, but is also subject to some of the most passionate, hostile criticism I've ever read- by genre affictionados and critics alike. A man worthy of such strong emotions is a worthy man in my book.

The man gets really big names to star in his movies. After 3 disastrous move flops in the last five years, he's now busy with a two-part "Dungeon Siege" movie and a "Far Cry" movie. I've braved the thunderstorms here in Chiang Mai to nip out to 7/11 to buy a copy of "Bloodrayne" in my bag now- his latest disaster. Now, here's a list of actors you might recognize:

• Christian Slater
• Ben Kingsley
• Ray Liotta
• Ron Pearlman
• Michael Madsen
• Meat Loaf

Amazing isn't it!!

Update: Turns out it was dubbed in Thai. Tried to look for it undubbed, but an English version copy is impossible to find here in Thailand.

Disappointments, professional authors and and some random pictures

One learns something new everyday. Today I’ve learned that disappointment is spelled with one ‘s’ and two ‘p’- not the other way around. Thank you, Microsoft Word spelling checker!

One my greatest disappointments in my life was seeing Highlander II. The first movie was a mystical epic that left out just enough for the imagination, and pre-teen me was thoroughly moved. It had a tremendous influence on my values and world-view. The second movie managed not only to be a really bad sequel. By revisiting the major themes in the first movie and answering the unanswered questions in a breathtakingly stupid way, it managed to defile the first movie to such an extent that your memories of the first one were irreversibly damaged.

Highlander II was a really shoddy movie. I do have to admit though, that there were aspects of it that were so stupid that they approached genius. For instance, the naming system. The evil corporation that provides an artificial shield over the sky to replace the damaged ozone layer is named: “The Shield Corporation”. The bar where our hero meets his future love-interest is called “Bar” and there’s a diner called “Diner”. Etc etc.

During my excursion into the old town of Chiang Mai yesterday, I found a pretty little bar called the Writer’s Bar & Restaurant. In Highlander II, this would be the location where the our meets the hungry author who will change his political views and finally accept his fate as the rightful ruler of the world. Imagine my surprise then when my neighbour at the next table turns out to be just that: a professional writer and aspiring disseminator of subversive political views! I’m sure it was rude of me, but I did point out the bizarreness of a writer in a Writer’s bar.

Although at the time it did feel quite natural, now in hind-sight it’s also kind of bizarre that the topic of our highly enjoyable conversation turned out to revolve aroud the proposal by AT&T to charge internet companies in the US different rates depending on their level of service. In Chiang Mai?

I am pleased to report that I’m getting better and better at not using the level of my voice as a substitute for a good argument. Unfortunately, I did notice another worrying habit- I tend to bring up obscure concepts as-a-matter-of-fact, intentionally to make my counter-part worry that maybe they don’t know something everybody knows. Not good.

I'm attaching some cool pictures of Chiang Mai that I took with my camera phone. The first is of my finger and a Wat, a Buddhist temple. These are all over the place, some of them big temples, some small cupboards. Buddhism permeates Thai daily life, and I've noticed the locals can't pass these buidlings without nodding to them in a respectful way.


Second pic is of the moat surrounding the old town of Chiang Mai. I live outside of the moat, and the Writer's cafe is inside the moat. You can see some remains of a city wall on the right. Chiang Mai is an old capital, and apparantly there was lots of wars going around here back in the days. Funny how these former defensive structures are now reduced to lovely additions to the city-scene.


I also passed these "Three Kings". They looked impressive to me, but when I got back home I noticed none of my tourist guides mention them in any way. So they're just, you know, these three kings hanging around looking all imposing. Thought you might like them...

The umbrella

I think I may just have discovered the most interesting useless fact ever...

While the umbrella has become an indispensible prop of the british gentleman, apparantly the true gentleman never opens it. Using an umbrella suggests that you are too poor to afford a carriage! A gentleman should only use his umbrella to keep a lady dry, or have it carried over him by his servant as he get's in and out of a carriage. In all other cases, it should be closed and used as a walking stick or weapon...

http://www.islandnet.com/~see/weather/almanac/arc2005/alm05nov.htm

Ha! Failure as a teacher, and the iPod nano

Ha! I sneaked out at 5.30 in the morning, and made my way to London on Wednesday. After a very nice selection of confectionary at the Ritz, I considered my options. I learned the first time I attempted my escape that They have agents everywhere, and that London is probably one of the least safe places in the world. There was really only one thing to do: a single ticket to Hong Kong please!

I've learned that success does not teach you anything. Success is not bad in itself of course. Sucess can bring many good things. For instance, success may mean that you're sulking in Dundee Tuesday night, enjoying some rubbish hollywood blockbuster movies on an intercontinental flight on Wednesday and then partying your soul out on the Thursday. Not too bad. But have you learned anything? No. Success brings fortune but you'll be none the wiser. If you want to learn, to mature, to grow as a person then there are no shortcuts:
There's no better lesson that a good wallopping failure.

I've become a much wiser person today. I've learned that:

1. There is often an inverse relationship between trendyness and practical use when it comes to clothes. For instance, a nice pair of armani jeans that make the most of your small bum could quite possibly have extremely small pockets that over and over again cause you to drop and forever loose important things.
2. It is always a good idea to check the western union website and memorize the locations of outlets close to where you live and/or work. Should you ever be in need of emergency cash, your friends, relatives or trusted credit card provider will be able to sort you out through one of these transfer agents.
3. If you book a ticket online, and you are told that you MUST present your credit card when picking up the e-ticket, this means that it is not only advicable to bring your credit card, it is critical. Otherwise you just might make a fool of yourself and not get on that flight.

I'm truly a better person for it!

Other than these hard lessons, I'm having great fun in Hong Kong. Today is lazy day, I'm just reading up a little bit on possible destinations in south east asia. Also I've bought an iPod Nano. It is very very sexy. It reminds me of when I first held an ipod in my hands a few years ago. It was a friend's iPod, handed over to me wrapped in a nice silk protective bag. As I carefully removed the bag and held the gadget in my hands, I got the feeling that my dirty hands were not worthy to hold this piece of jewelry. Same with the Nano. I haven't had much chance to listen to it yet, but whenever I have a quiet moment I take it out and touch it...

ADDED 17 Feb: I was so upset about loosing my credit card I never bothered to mention the fact that I had SOOOOO much fun in Hong Kong. Toby and Nicki took really good care of me and made it feel like I'd never left.

Expanding charter

Thanks everyone for the overwhelming support for DidiForPresident! We've had some great feedback, and we've agreed to expand the charter with the following item:

- We want to grant Australia as a nation the power to veto any EU president that is not of Icelandic, Swedish or Scotish descent. This should add an element of clarity and distance in the election process and a useful balance of power.

Sichuan soup and Didi

I'm trying a new approach to worcestershire sauce. If you use too much of it, it tastes British Pub. But in the background, it makes sweet stuff more adult. Add it to a kiwi/pineapple blend and oh my god how delicious!
Tofu on the other hand has joined chili on the central pedistal of my life. I've learned how to make an excellent soup centred on bamboo shoots and rice vinegar- add tofu, chili, sichuan pepper and bean paste to make it 'sichuan'. It's so easy to make, I expect it to become a regular (if not daily!) feature on the Dundee menu.

It is not all about food though. I'm currently working on setting up a fan-club for Didi: DidiForPresident.com. The charter of this club will be to change the EU laws in the following way:
- We want a permanent EU presidency with limitless powers over all countries in the union. We would prefer a dictatorship, but expect this may be difficult to get past some of the larger countries. Limitless power is a good compromise.
- We want the minimum age for candidates for this presidency to be reduced to 15. We don't expect to amass the required support for another 10 months or so, so we thing that will work well.
- We want citizens of Scotland, Sweden and Iceland to have FIVE votes each in all elections (including the vote for presidency), to recognize their cultural SU-PE-RI-O-RI-TY.

We're not yet open for new members, but do post your interest in the comment section.

ADDED 29 January:
Didi escaping my worcestershire centred cooking.

Dundee in the middle of ancient weather conspiracy

Ah! Back in Dundee. I'm starting to feel better, maybe time to start thinking about work again. However, I feel a strange qi in the air.

Weird Weather Watch 2005 - Above Top Secret Conspiracy Community

Australia

In my short but eventful life, I have learned to focus on the near-tearm objectives. "You should not have your wishbone in place of your backbone", like a good friend of mine likes to say. However, without an ultimate goal to work towards, it can sometimes be difficult to enjoy the trip there. So, for now, I will visualize... Australia. Great Australia. A good friend of mine once said: "It's not all wasted", which I think is some sort of Autstralian humour. I hear they are good at understatements. Anyways, this particular friend of mine happens to have moved there. I will be inspired by him and dedicate my goal (for now) to Australia.

Having sorted that out, I will now need to turn my attention to the logistics of my escape.
Dundee Folk Club - 1963 - 1971